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Angela Light

Walking it out- the great, the messy & in between

Liar Liar

Posted by angela on April 24, 2014
Posted in Uncategorized  | 5 Comments

This is no big deal. I can handle anything. I’m strong enough to deal with this issue. I just need to make a plan and move forward. Other people will let me down so I need to take care of this on my own. I’m an adult so I need to act like one. No hesitation. Now, I must determine what needs to be done to fix this situation. There are a few things or people I need to do certain things- so I must make them do what I want. When I want it. I just need a plan and move forward to get everything to work like I want it to. No room for failure. God helps those who help themselves, right?

I cannot count the times I ran through this type of thought process to get something done—have you done something similar?

A situation came up and I worked through how to mobilize and move forward—how to conquer this issue! One big thing was missing of course—I didn’t consult the Father for help or guidance or anything. Well, that’s not true. Usually after the situation had become worse then I would cry out in my despair for Him to fix the mess (again).

It didn’t occur to me to go to Him first. I mean, how weak and pathetic was I anyhow? What about “God helps those who help themselves”?
That saying is a direct lie that I let guide my thoughts way too many times! I used to think it was actually biblical (it’s not—don’t fall for it like I did!).

I’ve heard recurring comments during my life that I can now identify as destroying and untrue (but sometimes still hear it trying to grab my attention):
♦I’m too loud & too tall
♦God wouldn’t want me to be like I am—what a disappointment
♦Maybe one day I’ll be good enough
♦God loves me if I change

I took these comments to heart and usually exhausted myself trying to change and fit into what I thought everyone wanted (including God). I tried to be ‘good’, do better, work harder, say the right things in the right way (flat & fake usually), be more bold, be less bold, etc.

Once I have changed myself and those around me to fit into the mold I envisioned THEN I would be okay. Accepted. Approved of by everyone. Finally fitting in…

Never happened as you can guess.

The lies we let ourselves believe are life destroying. They seem innocent at the time…it’s just a thought anyhow so how could it be so damaging?

These lies are destroying and slowly we start to believe them. Someone recounted to me how God made us AND our voices. He loves to hear our voice raised to Him, coming to Him, looking to Him for all guidance. He loves it! He doesn’t say we’re too whiny, annoying or someone He just tolerates. He loves to have us lean on Him. WOW…I sure can let the lies pull me so far from truth sometimes.

I believed the lies so many times I couldn’t find my way out of the maze. I usually had a path of wreckage behind me so long it was overwhelming. Being stubborn and not wanting to ask for help, it took me longer than some to learn to give it up.

The Father didn’t give up pursuing me, taking me to places that were so messy & uncomfortable that I had nowhere to turn but to Him. These lies I’ve believed for so long still linger and whisper, especially in my weaker moments.

But now I know where to go-I line up the thoughts with truth from the Word. This is the measuring device and is able to point me in the right direction. Not to lies that destroy and breed self-doubt but to truth that delivers. Delivers me to a place of pure acceptance.

Thank you Father for not leaving me where I was but loving me enough to bring me closer to You!
Please help me to discern and silence the liar!

Got it under control?

Posted by angela on April 17, 2014
Posted in Uncategorized  | 4 Comments

I hold my breath, say a silent prayer and step forward. It feels like a dark abyss and I can’t see anything.

-Where will this lead?
-Where am I supposed to be going?
-What if this doesn’t work? I fail—and miserably?
-What if I do it all wrong?
-What if everyone ignores me or laughs at me?
I could be making a huge mistake that will end up in humiliation. Oh, if I could just know where, how and when- then I could feel better about taking this step.

The darkness around me feels like it could suffocate. I say more prayer but its not silent anymore. I realize I’m talking-no crying- to the Father out loud. Why? When? HOW? This doesn’t feel good?! HELP!

A beam of light slowly creeps into my surroundings. I rush towards it. I rush to see if its something familiar. I’m in unchartered territory—at least new territory for me. I don’t like the feeling of being completely out of control but that is exactly what I am. What we all are when we get real and truly think about it.

We are out of control of most things but our culture tells us we are the master of everything we touch. We’re told we can control the outcome if we plan things out correctly.

But how many times have we worked hard for that promotion, earned that degree, trained for that athletic event, did everything we are ‘supposed’ to do and it didn’t turn out as we expected?
-That spouse that promised to love and cherish us then betrays us.
-That college degree that was to ensure our rise in the corporate world didn’t prep us for being laid off, fired or miserable in our pursuits.
-That child we poured so much love and training into follows a destructive path in life that is opposite everything we taught.
-The bank account we worked so hard to provide for our family then to have it bankrupted.

I push back the panic of the unknown darkness-and remind myself of the promises of my Father.
I’m not alone. He has a plan for me which is to NOT harm me (he didn’t say it would be easy).
I am His child. He loves me-I am the daughter of a King…ME?!

I am not called to be ineffective and predictable. I am called to be follower of Christ and to put my faith in God. He is in control, not me. But it can’t be that basic…I have to do SOMETHING, right?

He says to give my burdens to Him and let Him work it out. But what if He’s not fast enough, doesn’t do what I want, when I want it? Maybe I should help things out….

Funny how the hardest thing is to do NOTHING when everything in us screams ‘do SOMETHING’!

I realize the darkness is starting to fade (if I let it). Is that a feeling a warmth reassurance replacing the cold unknown?

Stepping out of my comfort zone is at times horrifying. NOT fun. Sometimes we have to go through it to get to the other side-the walk of trust. We wander in the dark and sometimes turn back. Then we find ourselves in the same place again until we walk through it. It’s not until we give it up & over to the Father to handle that the dark isn’t so terrifying. True, this path may not turn out like we expect or hope. But it could turn out BETTER than you ever hoped! I’m so glad He promises that His plan is for good and not harm!

Oh, I still don’t know the outcome or the final plan but I’m not supposed to. I don’t like not knowing but I’m supposed to trust that the Father has my back and He has a plan. A perfect plan. It really is all about faith and trust—and realizing I’m not in control.

I never was in control-it was an illusion I let myself believe.

I am so thankful it’s not all up to me-or you. We must stay strong and firmly planted in the Father’s promises.
Thank you Lord for being faithful!

Role model? No way. Not me!

Posted by angela on April 10, 2014
Posted in Uncategorized  | 2 Comments

Keep it together. Breathe. Control.
I kept repeating these words to reign myself in. Don’t act like a maniac. Be an adult. Remember you are a role model.
Role model? No way. Not me.

Maybe you’ve heard these words like I have ‘do as I say, not as I do’. I never liked hearing those words growing up and told myself I’d never say such ridiculous things. Well, here I was.

I didn’t want to be a role model–I wanted to react and not in a good way. Not in an adult way. Definitely not in a Christ follower way!

But a tiny whisper in my head kept repeating ‘they are watching’.

Who is watching? I was pretty confident my children were otherwise occupied and not paying any attention to me.
Who? Others around me? The clerk at the store? The other drivers in traffic? Other parents at my child’s school event?
Many examples ran through my thoughts: all the people I interact with on a daily basis—strangers, acquaintances, friends, family.

I’m the type of action driven, have a plan, stay organized (in theory) and ‘get this done’ type of person. Personalities that are less driven, lack focus or generally more laid back tend to run in direct opposite directions from where I am headed. You can guess the outcome—I get frustrated. Sometimes with valid reasons and sometimes it’s this ‘type A’ personality in overdrive.

I confess my reactions are-well, not something to be proud of some days. But hopefully no one notices, right? They are watching…

The thought races through my mind again and let’s say I’m not welcome to it. I don’t want anyone to watch my reactions many times. I’m hoping God is busy elsewhere when I’m having one of my ‘less than desirable’ moments. I try to justify myself and say the other person deserves my reaction or it’s not a big deal if I have a meltdown over poorly trained drivers. But someone is watching?

-It could be one of the kids in the back of the minivan who pretends to be reading or listening to music but hears my rant.
-It could be other people in a store who witness my facial expressions of disgust.

But it may just be no one else is around….except Jesus. He sees me. He hears me.
Oh how I wish in those moments I could hit the mute button on myself or rewind and have a ‘do over’ moment.

Ever find yourself feeling this way?

I realize the words ‘they are watching’ means anyone or everyone.
I’m to be an extension of Jesus’ hands and feet yet here I am being anything but a reflection of Him. I hope no once notices my less than stellar behavior. But I know and God knows.
It’s in these moments I have a personal encounter with grace. I don’t deserve it, can’t earn it and sadly don’t display it all the time—but it’s a gift I openly accept. And openly NEED.

Thank you Father for such an indescribable gift.
I have so much to learn of the depth of Your grace and gratefully accept this gift. I pray for your guidance in daily life-since I fall short and they are watching-I want to better reflect You & the role model You have called me to be!

Truth or Consequences

Posted by angela on April 3, 2014
Posted in Uncategorized  | 2 Comments

So I was pretty confused, annoyed (again) and generally not in a good place. I got really ‘deep’ with God about some awful choices in my past and asked His forgiveness and a renewed direction. I am happy to say I did feel I was forgiven which is the whole point. I couldn’t wait for this huge burden to be removed from my shoulders. I had been struggling under the consequences of bad decisions and pathetic choices for so long—I was almost giddy with anticipation of being free from all fallout.

Well, I wasn’t free from it. At least not in the way I expected. The consequences didn’t go away. I prayed, prayed, and prayed some more for God to take it away. He didn’t.

Annoyed again, frustrated, confused and feeling a bit betrayed—I didn’t get it. I confessed my sin, sought His truth and asked forgiveness. True that originally I didn’t align my actions with God’s will which is what got me in the whole mess to begin with. The usual ‘I can take care of this’ mentality overrode any sense of ‘wait, ask the Father for His direction first’. It happened and it was so subtle, I didn’t even realize I had jumped forward without first going to God. How can I do that? Aren’t I a believer who trusts Him? How can I jump forward with decisions and actions, dumb ones especially, and not even run to the Father first and foremost with EVERY DECISION first?

I was so angry with myself for being so blind. After much self- beating up, I threw myself before the cross and asked forgiveness for blowing Him off and rushing forward. I knew better and did it anyhow!
Blessedly, He is in the forgiveness business and welcomed me, a sometimes insecure and scar bearing mess, into His arms.

So if I asked and received His forgiveness, why are the consequences of those stupid actions still haunting me? Where is God NOW?

He is here. He is with me. Guiding me.

It occurs to me that while He forgives, He loves and never leaves me, He never said that forgiveness=no consequences. I don’t know where I started to think it meant that. Somewhere along the path I told myself that if I were forgiven, truly repentant, then God would remove all the consequences and aftermath that goes with poor decisions. Not true. Now what? Where are you now God?
He is here. He is with me. Guiding me.

I was going down a path of doubting God and His promises because He didn’t take away the fallout. Have you ever felt that way?
I confused the thought of having my slate ‘washed clean’ with washing clean any responsibility for my mistakes. I wanted His truth but without the ripple effect of my actions.

While painful to learn, I now understand that it doesn’t work this way: that if we pick truth then maybe we get to avoid repercussions. It’s not either Truth or Consequences-its both. Bad choices usually have backlash and we may have to deal with repercussions. I love that He takes everything and works it in His plan—even the things we do against His will. Thank you Father for teaching and using this to mold me.

Be encouraged: we walk through it knowing we truly do have forgiveness, acceptance and unconditional love. I pray for Your Grace Father while walking this out.
He is here & you are not alone in this.