I started this blog several years ago after wrestling with God—I couldn’t see myself blogging. Well, I’ve been on a hiatus and feel He’s leading me back. I miss it! I invite you to join in…there will be some raw moments, some insights and general living posts. Feel free to comment and join in this journey of life….the good, the bad and the messy.
Right now, life is in the messy season…still. At least today is, in some respects. I’m sure everyone has something they’ve struggled with for a while…maybe many years. Its something you may have prayed about, cried about, perhaps thought you finally got to the other side of it only to find yourself planted back on the battle lines with this thing. It could be anything you’re wrestling with—a person, a relationship, an addiction, an bad habit, a situation, marriage, friendship, rejection, financial, health, etc.
I’m planting my stick in the sand and saying I’m really sick of it. Yep. I know, it may be teaching me something in the long run. Great- but I’m sick of waiting for the end of that ‘long run’ to get here. (anyone else?) I’ve been crying and wailing out that ‘I’m done with this, please take this from me’, I’m weary, battle worn and basically feeling like I’ve been run over by a truck, backed over, and ran over again.

Please tell me I’m not the only one (although I don’t want anyone to feel this way). But I know its out there. I know others are struggling. Sometimes this ‘thing’ is pretty big…something that alters the course of a life, or cuts you to the core. I get it. Your battle worn face is scarred with the many times you’ve tried to face this thing and was beaten down.

I’m there with you right now. In the past, admittedly, I would stay here crying. I do that too, don’t get me wrong. But in the past I wouldn’t move from here. I wouldn’t know I could. It was the ‘thing’ that had me in a chokehold so I cound’t move. I didn’t feel movement was possible. Many times it wasn’t.

However after battling some of these things longer than I ever want to admit, I did something this morning. I told God I was TIRED of pleading and crying out for his help in fixing, resolving and rescuing me from this. I know…sounds crazy and not too Jesus loving…stay with me a moment….
I was overwhelmed (again) and something in me shifted. I’ve cried and prayed over this so many times for so long, I was shocked to sense this shift. I caught myself saying ‘Father, if you even threw me a scrap of wisdom or guidance in this, in even a flash of a second of you would finish this battle’. That’s when the ‘SNAP” happened.

“NO”….I felt it loudly and suddnely. Oh no…I’ve been praying for rescue for so long and finally I hear something back and its “NO”??…OH MY GOSH IT CAN”T BE….

But it didn’t stop there. It was ‘NO…don’t ask for a scrap’. (HUH?)
Then in an instant, I understood. I am his daughter, a daughter of THE king. You don’t hide behind the throne of God, scurrying beneath the chair and begging for a scrap. I’m beloved by HIM…not a offhanded pain in the neck he tolerates (althought I admit I struggle not to see myself this way). It was clear…stand boldy in front of the throne of your Father and ask expectedly. Wow.

No a whisper of a scrap but to be boldly in His presence asking for not rescue only. If that’s his will, great (I’m prefer this of course). But now I ask ‘help me see what you want me to in this mess. What are you showing me, teaching me. I pray for your wisdom to see and understand.

I hope to post again soon what I learned but right now…this moment…I’m picking myself up from crawling and getting to my feet, trying to be steady to stand and ask. I’m asking, I’m shaky from crawling so long but what else? Do I quit? Do you? NO…there is not quitting. But we don’t stay here…we stand, on possibly shaky legs (shaky from fatigue of fighting) and asking for his strength to renew and his eyes to show what we need to see. I’m hopeful this will wrap up this fight for a new season. Of course, that remains to be seen. I’m guessing we’re tired, beat up but we have a stronger one in us that will hold us up when we can’t stand.
Lets lean into that-He has us in His hand. No matter how we feel. We may be hurt, heartbroken, MAD and weary. He knows and He holds us. Imagine if he weren’t holding us…yikes?!
Stay with me…we go forth, maybe in baby steps but we’re standing, not cowering in the corner.

Hebrews 4:16 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Ephesians 3:12 Because of Christ and our faith in him, we can now come boldly and confidently into God’s presence.