I worked so hard. So many sacrifices. The endless, sleepless nights. The financial drains. All the youthful fun I bypassed to keep my head down, working so hard. I had a goal and was so determined and so focused, nothing was going to stop me. My past was filled with hardship and disappointment. I had to insulate myself the only way I knew how and working hard for this goal was my plan.

Over time, I met the goal. It took much longer that I thought but I made it. Blood, sweat and tears, I finally made it to the finish line! I was so proud but exhausted from all the years of working towards this. I thought I was home free—let the next step of the journey take place. It couldn’t be as hard as the past 7 years had been, right?

Wrong. The struggles continued. In different ways, different people, different situations. I’d like to say there was a happily ever after end to this portion of the story-but it’s not quite over yet.
I made it to the finish line and continued to work hard, struggle, sacrifice. It took over 2 decades of continual effort.
But one day, in a blink of an eye, it was over. All I worked for- ended. I struggled for several years afterwards with a sense of loss-all that work, effort, struggle- for what?! During an especially vulnerable moment, I felt a sudden response in my spirit well up.

I knew this was from the Father, it wasn’t something I could have ever imagined.
An unmistakable statement

“That was never the plan I had for you. It was your plan”.

I was devastated. All those years, all the sacrifices, working my entire life around meeting those goals. But it was absolutely, without question unmistakable:
“It was never the plan I had for you”

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Never HIS plan for me?! It was all me, all the striving was all me. No wonder it didn’t work out well, never felt right, was never ever peaceful. It made sense now. Oh, decades later but it made sense.

So you can call me unrealistic. Nuts even. But I’m hanging on.
Yes, hanging on and hoping for something new. I know I’m walking through a season of learning but I don’t like it. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m thankful the Father is working something good in me. Something He will use. But I don’t like it now. I’m clinging to the verse that He is refining me—as gold must be put through the fire and molded, so must we. Well, I must be one messy piece of dirt that needs a ton of fire and refining.

It’s true, I am messy. Ever feel like you’re a mess?
I know in the end I’ll be so thankful that this process happened. It’s while I’m sitting in the furnace that stinks. Oh, I’m sure it’ll all be great one day. But today—well, it doesn’t FEEL so great.
I’m hanging on however. Not letting go. I’ll be that stubborn piece of Velcro that doesn’t peel away. Where would I go anyhow? I know it’d be somewhere I’d regret so I refuse to go down that path.

No, I’m hanging on. Some people tell me I should do more things to get actions moving in the direction I want it to go. That I should work situations around to benefit my ultimate goal. I could that do—I’ve done it before. Manipulated things to work out. So what’s the problem? If I get moving and start pushing this, pulling that, influencing this person, guilting that person then I could get situations moving much quicker.

Hard as it is, I’m trying to NOT do those things and just hang on. Let the Father work things out as He sees fit and not as I want. Been there, done that and it wasn’t pretty. I do NOT want to work it out in MY way again. Keep my feet planted in Your ways Father.
(For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver. Psalm 66:10)